Lost Love Poem ~
Holding My Breath
by Maria H

I had to lose you
To regain all my sanity
I had to lose you
To fix the broken parts of me
I had to lose you
To stop myself from running away to your escape
I had to lose you
To face myself and the mess I’ve made
I had to lose you
To have a better day

Better but not the best because you’re not here
You’re not here to tell me that it won’t stay this way
You’re not here to call me on my crap
You’re not here to show me that I don’t know what’s real
Where I’m going
Who I am
You’re not here to make me feel young, stupid and lost
And some may think that you not being here to bring me down is a good thing
But you’re not here to simultaneously bring me back up

Strip off the ugly
Bring out the best in me
Someone you want to love
You were here to make me into someone you could love
And I tried to be everything that you wanted me to be
Lied to myself and tricked my heart into thinking you’d come around
But you just took an exit at stage left and the show was over

I just wanted someone to tell me everything would be ok
You didn’t do that
I just wanted someone to take my side and give me the benefit of the doubt
You didn’t do that
I just wanted someone to understand me
I’m not quite sure you ever could
But at least I know you tried however hard you said you tried
And I guess I just wasn’t enough for you wasn’t I?

You give me a kick in the ass and sent me on my way
And now I’m left here to wonder why you just couldn’t give a damn
Why couldn’t you just love me?
When I knew I’d love you no matter what you were
Because I could love you forever
Even though when the day is done I break down
Even though in silent moments your face comes to my mind
And I can’t breathe
I can’t see through these tears
And I’m so sorry

I deserve your hate
You’ve given that to me so effortlessly
But the love left in you I was fighting for all these years
Did it ever exist?
Why does it feel like it belonged to me?
It’s mine, give it to me
That’s all I wanted
You’re all I wanted

You’re so beautiful
You walk across my bleeding heart like you’re already walking to someone else
And I just gave you every reason to push me further away
You told me that you could never see us
But I still couldn’t believe you
I swore we were falling
But now I’ve hit the ground and you’re not lying next to me
Why aren’t you next to me?

Because when you are I can’t cry
I can’t scream
I can’t lie
I can’t run away
You were my only reason to stay
Now you’ve disappeared for the last time and I’m alone
Why have you left me here all alone?
I would have given you the world on a silver platter
You would have still told me gold was better
And I have so many reasons to smile
But I can’t even get by without you by my side
You never were but at least I could pretend
I can’t now

Tell me how I’m I supposed to live without you?
How am I supposed to breathe again?
Let the light in and let what’s left of us go
I can’t let you go, I swear I’ve tried
But every time I do I realize that if I let this little left go
And you never come back to me
I’ll have nothing
I’ll have nothing to prove that you were ever here at all
I couldn’t keep you because you just couldn’t love me
You couldn’t show me the parts of you I needed to see
You simply blamed me and maimed me before I got any closer
Put centuries and differences between us
You did everything to keep me away
And you made me think that I was getting to you
But I’m only fooling myself if I think I’d ever see your face again

You never let me in
And yet you blamed me for the same damn thing
I wanted to show you but my heart wouldn’t let me
I know now it’s because it knew you would break it
You always do
Every time you come around I’m in pieces
Shattered and crushed under your feet
And then you walk away and take another part of me
And I have to pretend like your ghost isn’t haunting me
But whenever I try to love again your image comes right back
Reminding me that I wasn’t born to love anyone but you

I can’t smile now
I can’t bask in the little sun that comes out amongst all the rain
You won’t let me live
Because I can’t live without you
I can’t be all of me without you
I can only try to keep it together for so long before I break down
And all I wanted to do was love you whoever you were
Even if that is the one person who could hurt me more than anyone
More than myself
But you’d never let me touch you, would you?
You’d never let me get close
You’d never just let me be me and accept that
You wanted more

And I’m sorry but maybe we weren’t meant to be
Even though you’d still be in my memories
Now as my greatest disappointment
The reason for me to never believe in love again
Isn’t that what you wanted?
You just wanted me to walk away because you couldn’t
And then I just let you go
Don’t blame me, I aim to please you
Despite all the pain you’ve put me through
I’m forever altered by your absence
Because you’re not coming back this time
I could say I’m sorry till the day I die
Don’t you understand that I just wanted you to tell me that you could love me?
But you couldn’t, could you?
And I don’t think that’ll ever jus be ok


But I’m tired of the tears
I’m tired of fearing that you’ll leave me here
And now that you’re gone
I have the burden of your hatred weighing me down
But how can I expect you to forgive me if I can’t forgive?
How can I expect you to love me if I can’t love?
How can I expect you to respect me if I can’t respect your decision to walk away?
You were only trying to teach me a lesson
I was only trying to give you my heart
But don’t you worry I know this part
Piece by piece I’ll put myself together

And trust me this time I’m going to let you go
You can feel as free as you always wanted to be
I need to find my own way to live without you
And it’ll take a while for me to truly love anyone else
Because for so long I’ve been holding my breath
Waiting for you to see me
Hear me
Feel me
Want me
No, all your good at doing is breaking me
All you ever do is break me


Written by Maria H
copyright ©2009 Maria H

 

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